10 Ignorant (and Usually Annoying) Things to Say about Rape and Rape Victims

Let’s get this out of the way first: Death threats can go to the comment section. Also, if you dislike reading extra stuff, then this post isn't for you. It's LONG, and I give extra stuff to read. 

Truth be told, I am sick and tired of people who spend time yapping about rape and rape victims without spending time knowing what rape and rape victims are about. In my years of perusing articles on rape and sexual abuse, I have seen so many people saying so many idiotic things, as if they understand what it is like to be in the receiving end of unwanted penetration. These comments are insensitive and hurtful. And above all, these comments are STUPID.

Here are some statements that really get my blood boiling.

1. “Why now? It’s been (insert number) of years!”

You know, coming out of the closer has never been easy. When LGBT comes out to tell the world that their sexual preferences are different from heterosexuals, they sometimes get acceptance. Sometimes, they get called devils by insane fundies and bigots as spawns of Satan and diseased animals and other such lovely, lovely descriptions.

Coming out as a rape victim, especially in a patriarchal and hypocritical society such as the Philippines (because, seriously, if you have half-naked men and women gracing huge billboards along EDSA and other major highways, your society is NOT conservative) is a challenge. Surprised? Sometimes, victims can receive sympathy and true support from beings of higher intellect. But they can also receive some pretty nasty shiz from beings of shizzy intellect. Unfortunately, to a rape victim, hearing (or reading) such insensitive and idiotic comments directed towards her increases guilt and self-shame. It makes her think that it is her fault, that she deserves it. It makes her think that she is a slut and that because of the rape she will never be loved and she has lost her value. EVEN IF THESE ARE NOT TRUE. It’s like she’s being raped again, this time by words of many faceless idiots who know nothing but open their mouths and spit venom.

So you see, admitting that you have been violated in the most intimate of ways is not a walk in the park.

Why now? Because the victim’s only just been able to gather the courage to say that she has been violated, despite the danger of being harassed by the idiots of the world.

She doesn’t deserve flak. She deserves applause.

     2. “Well, she was wearing too much make-up and too little clothing.”

Once in a while, a girl will want to have that come-hither look. Whether this is done through a sexy red pout or a dress that will highlight all her womanly curves depends on her sense of self expression. A girl would sometimes dress to impress potential partners, that is true (mostly we dress up because we like to feel pretty, though). Yes, a girl may want your attention, but how difficult it is to appreciate but not touch unless given leave?

Some people say that if men see something as enticing as a beautiful woman and that their natural instinct to procreate is activated, thus enticing women are at fault if they are raped. This is one of the most insulting things I’ve ever heard. Are these people saying that our men have no sense of self control? That saying a woman’s exposed legs or cleavage is more than enough to turn the supposedly stronger sex to savages? Where is the philosophy that humans are capable of moral decisions and intelligent thought? 

In the Steubenville Rape Case, a high school girl who was incapacitated by alcohol was publicly and repeatedly sexually assaulted and raped by two football players during a party. The incident was circulated in social media.

If we blame rape on what a woman wears or what make-up she opts to use, then we are effectively saying that our men are only as good as animals in heat.

Kawawa naman ang mga boys.

     3. “How can it be rape? She’s going out with him!”

Let’s look into how rape is committed under RA8353: 

Rape is committed:

      "1) By a man who shall have carnal knowledge of a woman under any of the following circumstances:

            "a) Through force, threat, or intimidation;

            

            "b) When the offended party is deprived of reason or otherwise unconscious;

            

            "c) By means of fraudulent machination or grave abuse of authority; and

            

          "d) When the offended party is under twelve (12) years of  age or is demented, even though none of the circumstances mentioned above be present.

     "2) By any person who, under any of the circumstances mentioned in paragraph 1 hereof, shall commit an act of  sexual assault by inserting his penis into another person's mouth or anal orifice, or any instrument or object, into the genital or anal orifice of another person."

Basically, rape is committed if penetration of any of the mentioned orifice by any instrument or body part occurs WITHOUT CONSENT. So it really doesn't matter if she's your wife, your girlfriend, some fubu who is bang on a semi-regular basis, or a supposed one night stand. If she can't or doesn't consent, that's rape.

Read up on date rape here and marital rape here.

      4. "That’s what you get for getting drunk."

     The victim blaming culture is strong in this one.

    The first thing that must be looked into is the subtle difference between "cause" and "risk". This must be discussed because subtleties are lost to most people, especially the stupid ones. Let us consult my old buddies Merriam and Webster:

   Risk: the possibility that something bad or unpleasant (such as an injury or a loss) will happen

    Cause :something or someone that produces an effect, result, or condition : something or someone that makes something happen or exist

     Studies have confirmed that exposing oneself to certain dangerous situations increases the likelihood of rape. Translation: RISK increases. These dangerous situations are include going alone to dark and dangerous places and getting drunk in dark, dangerous bars with dark, dangerous strangers. But these dark dangerous things do NOT cause rape.
    
     Rapists cause rape. 
    
    Besides, smoking also increases the risk for cancer. Do we tell smokers it's their fault that their cells suddenly decided to go on population explosion mode with immortality complex? Do we judge and shun them for smoking?

     Didn't think so.

     5. “Sex workers can’t be raped. They’re sex workers!”

     Unfortunately, those who belong in the Idiot Society believe that if a woman sells her body for sex, she can't say no to any other kind of sex. Going back to the definition of rape, we can see that as long as there is penetration of the oral, anal, or vaginal cavity WITHOUT CONSENT, it is rape. It doesn't matter who you are. Your identity or profession does not excuse the rape.
     
     Sex workers are more vulnerable to sex crimes than other population because the nature of their work leads others to discriminate against them. Those who have ultra-conservative (and hypocritical) ideologies see these men and women as dirty and low-class citizens. They are seen as people who need to be punished for immorality. This is why cases of abuse and sexual violence is rampant in the sex industry.

    Unfortunately, in an Idiot Society, women who refuse to abide by the Maria Clara, those who have gone through rape and sexual assault are almost always blamed for their actions. 

    Then again, if it didn't, it wouldn't be called "idiot"

     Read more on sex work and violence here.

     6. “Men can’t be raped.” 

     If he said no and was not in the right state to give consent, then he can be.

     7. After seeing Ellen Adarna’s workout video. “Sarap naman rape-in nyan!”
      
     Fact 1: Dude who said this was my former co-worker.
     Fact 2: Ellen Adarna is hot.
    Fact 3: Still, the dude who said it (a) scared the crap out of me and (b) almost made me punch him in the face. What, just cause the girl is hot and allegedly had a nip slip, you'd want to rape her?
     Fact 4: Some people will say I'm over-reacting and the dude was only joking. Which leads us to this meme:

 

     Let me tell you a little something about rape jokes: they are insensitive shiz that come out of people who blab before they think. They trivialize the issue and the experience of everyone who has gone through the attack. They are the kind of humor that has no place in a society that prides itself for being civilized.

     8. “Sana ma-rape ka.” (I hope you get raped.)
     
     This gets my blood boiling. I mean, sure, once in a while I ask bad things to happen to people who I think are arseholes. For instance, I do wish that Tanda, Pogi, and Sexy get kick out of the Senate. I wish Janet Lim Napoles to be thrown in a regular jail cell. I want corrupt officials to lose their investments made with the people's money.

     How does that differ from idiots who told Kat Alano that she should be raped when she spoke about the incident in the height of the Vhong-Deniece-Cedric hullaballoo?

    The difference is that  no body deserves to be raped. Even Tanda, Pogi, and Sexy who have apparently been f*cking with the people's money, and to wish for someone to undergo such attack is inhumane.

     9. “Get over it.”

    Shit happened alright. Being violated in the most primal of ways by an unknown assailant or, worse, a person one trusts does qualify as shit happening. But this is not something that victims just get over. It takes a lot of courage for victims to not just kill themselves in the aftermath of a rape. It takes courage to bring themselves away from the experience and see that there is a life to be lived after the attack.

     Victims don't just get over it. Saying so is undermining the strength it takes to live and trust again. Victims don't get over rape. They survive it.     

     10. "This is related to the Vhong-Deniece-Cedric issue again!”

Deep breathing exercise required before answering this one, or else I’ll suffer a coronary at 25 because this is so absolutely stupid.

Reality check, ladies and gentlemen: Not everyone’s lives revolve around scandals in Philippine showbiz. 


We have other things to fight for.

Last piece of advice to anyone who would be commenting on rape ever again:
 Either read up or shut up.