Catharsis: An Insight to Grief

Please excuse me. I know I have pending posts that I'm supposed to have written first, but you see, dear Reader, my December 29 has been quite devastating. I need to write about it. I am not ashamed to admit that I've spent my day sleeping, forcing myself to eat for sustenance's sake, being completely out of it, and generally crying. So please excuse me. This is a cathartic exercise, written for my sake more than for anyone else's.

For a while now, I have been going through a phase almost akin to depression. Clinical studies show that depression happens because of (1) major life changes such as changing schools and leaving home and (2) losing something/someone important, such as when an important person dies or you go through a divorce. 

Clinically speaking, I should not be depressed. I have a good job and a bit of extra writing work which I love. I can buy things for myself although not anything fancy.  I was able to give my precious ones something this holiday and that makes me happy. I have this blog to feed my thoughts into. I have good friends both in and out of my advocacy. Granted, I lost my ex boyfriend, but I believe he is happy and that is enough for me to stop questioning my decision to let go and to stop asking the "What if"s.

The clinical researches are right, though. Today, I have lost one person. My great aunt Espie succumbed to renal failure after fighting for years. 

When I was in high school, we had a project in Sociology. We were supposed to immerse ourselves in a different culture and talk about how government works. We stayed at my Auntie Espie's place in Cavite. She cooked for us and accommodated us in their home. It was a weekend well spent and my classmates and I had a good time doing our project. She was a very warm woman. And now she's gone. I suppose it's selfish to keep her when she was obviously suffering. In some ways, I'm glad it's over and that she is no longer hurting. That does not take away the pain though. We went to Auntie Espie's wake and I had no choice but to miss out on Ate Bebang's wedding.

I received the message about Aunt Espie's death after having come from Perpetual Hospital in Las Pinas. Earlier today, I received a message from a friend regarding a fellow advocate, Ate Joanne. She has been admitted to the ICU. And I can't do anything except hold her hand and tell her we'll go boy hunting and search for true love when she gets better. The feeling of worthlessness is heavy.

The feeling of worthlessness is also the cause of my depression. People, I believe, are only truly real if they have a defined purpose. I believe I do. But for the one person who I feel for more than others, I feel purposeless and thus dispensable. You see, I know where I stand, and it is upon nothing. No wonder I can't even make this person happy. I only wish for this person to find happiness, even if it's not with me. That doesn't mean my heart is not breaking, however...

More than a hundred sunsets

marks the time of which your name escapes my lips -

like a whisper of the winds,

spells upon sand,

and hopes cast into the waves,

so that perhaps the universe can hear

of my deep affections for you.

To see you smile,

I would take the stars from heaven

and lay them at your feet.

But I have no wings to fly

and only have my heart to offer.

It's heart breaking that what I want is something you can't give - a place in your world, and maybe just a little place in your heart.

I want to tantalize you with my intellect, and may be show you that I'm more than an outspoken woman. But that doesn't happen. I don't think you even listen. Maybe I'm stupid to you.

I want to take you to meet my loved ones because I am utterly proud of you, even as just my friend, but that has never happen and I don't think you'll ever want me to meet yours. I think you lied to me when, once upon a time, I asked you if you're bothered by being seen with me. So I made sure that people knew what I am to you exactly - nothing. I kept away and answered questions about our connection as something amiable but distant. If you did not want to be associated with me for whatever reason, I understand.

But then again, I am nothing more than a convenience and a hobby you can pick up. Something to play with because I am willing, because I happen to hope to be more than that, because I happen to hope to make you happy.

It's New Year's Eve, and there are just so many things to do. I have a couple of talks coming up on February, my Final Coaching programme to launch on the 2nd, an international event I'm helping organize, I have my advocacy work, my friends and family to care for. Yet, all I want is to grieve alone.

Grief is selfish, but I'm sorry. Perhaps selfishness is exactly what I need, even just for a little bit. I just need a bit of time to cry. Will you wait for me, Reader? I promise not to do anything stupid. I promise to be back to my old self as soon as I can... But for now, I just need to weep for the things I've lost, for the love I'm losing, and for the mortality of those who I believe to be precious.