Of Love of Horror 2.0

I am staring to write this blogpost while waiting for someone at 7Eleven at South Station Alabang. On my way here, I saw some vendors peddling Christmasy stuff. Although it is sunny, the heat isn't as brutal as it was last month. October is upon us and Christmas is less than three months away.

But first comes my favorite holiday: Halloween. This pagan holiday is a time for remembering the dead, for candles and solemn prayers (for some), for out of town trips, and, of course, for spooks.

As many of you know, I'm a horror fan. While other girls devour romance stories, I am always eager to read or watch stuff that are terrifically fantastic, or just plain terrifying. Here is my 2014 recommendations of horror finds: short films, creepypastas, make-up tutorials.

Short Films

I love horror movies, especially well-made ones. Here are some of my the recommendations for Halloween night. These are short-films and full-length ones. Warning: I won't be featuring mainstreamed stuff, since they have enough marketing and advertising 

1. Camera Obscura by Daywalt Horror. This is a short film series that follows the "adventure" of a girl who finds her demon hunter grandfather's camera obscura. The costumes here are the best part. I have always appreciated fantasy/horror make-up. Plus, the story is well-executed. This is quite a challenge to do, since short films don't have hours to build up a story - only minutes. Check out the series through the link. 

2. Still Life by Jon Knautz. I watched with my best friend while pigging out on donut and popcorn, but despite the sugar rush, I would still say that this is one of the best short films I've watched. This is not really horror, but it is horrifying. The dreary atmosphere of the film slowly brings in the creeps, but it is really the plot twist which got to me. 

3. X for XXL (from the ABCs of Death series). Let's just say that whenever I feel desperate to lose weight fast I just go back to this film. Gory and a slap-in-the-face statement against fat shaming, this is one of shorts from the series which really got to me. 

4. Mockingbird by FEWDIO Horror. This has got to be the shortest of the shorts I will be featuring. Simply-made, but with a plot twist that is a kick in the gut, this  film is real life horror at its finest.

Creepypastas

As many horror junkies probably know, creepypastas are short internet horror stories. Some of the more popular ones are Jeff the Killer, Slenderman, Squidwart's Suicide and Pokemon-themed pastas. Of course, I won't talk about these anymore. I'll be sharing to you some of my favorites. They may be less popular, but they are definitely worth the read.

1. The Harlequin Series. Horror fans may be familiar with Stephen King's penchant for small town horror. This is exactly what the Harlequin series is about. It kind of reminds me of King's The Tommyknockers and Dreamcatcher. A mix of an almost alien foe and amazing characterization, The Harlequin Series is one of the more satisfying pastas I've ever had the pleasure to sample.

Excerpt: "I knew that he knew something but I didn’t know what he knew. Had I figured out what it was earlier, I would have murdered him right there in the Burnswick lobby."

2. You're Not Afraid. This one is a ritual pasta, which means it's more of a series of instructions intertwined with a narrative. I love that the pasta starts in a relatively relaxed pace. At least, as relaxed as a character in a creepypasta can be. In the beginning, character is given a sense of false safety, an uneasy stillness. The action picks up the pace in the middle of the pasta, making the reader pick up the pace of reading. The pasta ends satisfyingly, with a nice little plot twist and, if you're like me, a hammering heart.

Excerpt: "At the corner of Winter and Broad there is an abandoned house. Go into that house. The front door is closed but unlocked. Nobody lives inside, not even homeless people would dare stay in a place like that for more than a night." 

3. Survival Guide. I'm not a fan of comedy-horror, but I enjoyed this one so much that I couldn't stop laughing even when I've finished it. I love it when stories  overlap, one of the reasons why I enjoy King's work so much. The number references to other pastas in The Survival Guide is too damn high! Warning: People new to creepypasta may not completely appreciate this.

Excerpt: "With the help of this guide you too can be the catatonic, traumatised wreck as opposed to the guy currently being worn as a coat by some dude who roams a lot."

4. "Higher Powers" Addiction to drugs or is it to power? I really love this pasta, 

Excerpt: They joke about how people get addicted to meetings instead of drugs. Langston didn’t mind the trade off. At least meetings didn’t send you to the emergency room with abscesses. Or into jail for the weekend, sick and detoxing. They don’t kill you and swallow you whole like addictions do.

5. The Sandman. This is one creepypasta with a heart. Many people commented that this wasn't even really scary. It certainly gave me the creeps, but really, it's more sad than terrifying. When a father starts losing his son bit by bit and has to battle a repulsive  creature haunting their home, sanity seems slip away so easily.

Excerpt: "He was losing his mind, he knew. The only thing that helped him cling to sanity was that Daniel seemed undisturbed. Other than his muteness, his behavior was perfectly normal. And whenever he seemed to sense that his father was troubled he would hug him, or squeeze his hand, or even smile. Sometimes, when he left the room, James cried."

I've read The Sandman in creepypasta.com (click on the link) but you may want to listen to the story instead. 

Make-up Tutorials

1. Double Face Clown Makeup Tutorial from MadeYewLook. MadeYewLook is definitely one of my new favorite make-up artist and face-painter. What I love about her is that she can make awesome looks with just paint and with very little prosthetic. Although minimalist in materials, her creations are still quite intricate. 

One of my favorite looks is this Double Face Clown Make-up, particularly because clowns scare the heck out of me (I still remember the sleepless nights when I was reading Stephen King's It). This look is a cross of funny and disturbing, especially since there's another clown face on the side, like a parasitic evil twin. 

Freeaaky. 

2. Leather Face and Texas Chainsaw Massacre Make-up by Pinkstylist. Oh Charlie aka Pinkstylist, you're so fabulous, I love you <3 nbsp="">

One of his best looks is this Leather Face make-up from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies. If you're a horror fan, you'd know that Leather Face stitches together facial skin from his victims and uses this as a mask. You can imagine the work that went on this look, which I absolutely appreciate and enjoy. This look was made with a combination of prosthetic, liquid latex and tissue paper, paint and fake blood, and pure and simple awesomeness. 

A couple of my other faves:

• The Smiler. This look reminds me of an insane inmate in a mental asylum. 
• Burned Alive. The personification of my fear of heat and fire. 

3. Four Horseman: Death by Klairedelys. Of course, Klaire is going to be here. She has always been one of my favorite artists. This year, she's gone for more wearable look (check out her Real Life Disney series), but my favorite will always be her artistic make-up. This look is from her Four Horseman series. A very different interpretation of Death, this elegant is characteristic of Klair's simple, clean, and elegant make-up.

Isn't this beautiful? 

And just because I was inspired (and I had time to kill), I made a couple of looks for Halloween as well. 

 This first look was inspired by the Joker. Unfortunately, I only had Johnson;s Baby Powder to make the white base, and a cheap eye shadow pallet and a rarely-used red lipstick. I think it's still cool though, but I wish I had better make-up. 

This second look is something I've been dying to try - the sugar skull. I blocked out my eyebrows using a glue stick. Again, I lack the kind of make-up to make this look work, but in making this look, I think learned something: Beauty UK pallets are more pigmented than Elf. I'm so glad I got hold of one of their eye shadow pallets ^_^.

I hope you enjoy my recommendations. Happy Halloween!

1+5 Idiotic (and Infuriating) Things People from the idiot Society Say about LGBT

Let me tell you some things about me: I think that 2 women kissing is hot. I watched Love of Siam and got totally kilig. I cried a lot when I watched Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros. I have more gay friends than guy friends.

I am not part of the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, Bisexual) community, but I am a firm believer that love knows no sex and when it is a question of love and desire what's between the legs can be completely irrelevant. If a man and another man fall in love, and they want to physically express that love, then I don't have a problem with that. I'm romantic like that. 

I respect people's opinions. Some people are not in favor of LGBT love, and that's fine. But saying things that are so hate-filled and idiotic is another matter. Just check out the comment section of any LGBT-related stories and you'll find a load of crap. There are some that makes me lose faith in humanity. Ergo, this list. 

1.Let's get this one out of the way: "Gays caused AIDS."

I actually already wrote about this in my 5 Ignorant (and Sometimes Infuriating) Things People Say About HIV/AIDS blogpost and here's an excerpt of that:

"No. HIV causes AIDS. It is a virus that attacks the immune system, causing it to become inefficient in eliminating infectious diseases. The end stage of the HIV infection is the Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome or AIDS. Regardless of how fab gays are, I think it's beyond their awesome gayness to make a virus. Unless that awesome gayness is intertwined heavily with microbiology and genetics, of course."

2. This effed-up definition of GENDER:

Let us look at what exactly Merriam-Webster has to say about gender.:

Gender: the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex

This comment came from an Inquirer article about using the pronoun "she" for murdered transgender Jennifer Laude. Sometimes, I think people's bigotry can severely damage their reading comprehension skills. 

Gender are traits associated with either being female or male. TRAITS. CHARACTERISTICS. Wearing a dress. Having long hair. Doing household chores. Being feminine. All these are traits associated with being female. So what if someone who is biologically male starts taking on the behavioral, cultural, and psychological traits of being female, does that mean that he can change his gender into a she?I think the answer is yes.

By definition, he can be a she.

3. "Umandar naman yung kabaklaan niya."

Oh my effin' gawd. Hindi ko ito kinaya. 

Context: This high blood-inducing line was delivered by someone who I know personally, who I though was sensitive and understanding. From someone who I though was smart enough to not spew sexist shiz. I was wrong, but I also did say that anything you do can and will be used against you in my blog, so this made the list. The "kabaklaan" in that statement? It meant cowardice.

Seriously.

It really ticks me  off when people use sexist slurs, such as referring to a coward as "bakla"(gay) (or "pussy", but we're talking about LGBTs here). Gays - LGBTs - are some of the bravest people I know. Not only do they have to face discrimination, but also gender-based violence and the idiocy of many people who spew ignorance such as the ones stated above. It takes guts to face all of these things. 

4. "Kasalanan din naman yan ni Jeffrey Laude. Nanloko siya." (It's also Jeffrey Laude's fault. He conned the killer.)

This comment is something repeated, like a sick mantra, in many if not all of the news items about the murder of transpinay Jennifer Laude. One of the most popular theories is that Jennifer was murdered by US Marine Scott Pemberton after he found out that she was a transpinay and not a "real woman". At this, the victim-blaming attitude of many citizens of the Idiot Society reared its ugly head again, this time blaming Jennifer for getting killed because she allegedly did not tell Pemberton that she is not a "real woman".

You know how stupid that sounds? Blaming someone FOR GETTING BEAT UP AND MURDERED? Just because Jennifer Laude is a transpinay? FYI, people of the Idiot Society, Jennifer Laude was well within her rights to express herself as she felt she should be - a woman. 

Check out principle 19 of the Yogyakarta Pricnicple, a universal guide to human rights in relation to Sexual orientation and Gender Identity. 

In the age of Google, I can't believe that people are still getting stupider. 

if you're lazy to Google, here are the links to what the Yogyakarta Principles are about and the principles themselves.

5. "Same-sex marriage is an affront to my religion!"

Honestly: 

Or, to quote Elaine de Guzman, "Wala kaming pakialam sa nararamdaman mo."

But let us expand more on this. So what does good ol' Meriam-Webster have to say?

Marriage: the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law;  the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage

Wedding:  a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities

So what's the deal> Weddings are often religious in nature, but a marriage is legal in nature. What the LGBT is asking for is the right to have their relationship be acknowledged by law so that their relationship can have the protection of the legal system. The keywords here are legal protection.

What those who oppose same-sex marriage fail to understand is that It has absolutely nothing to do with religious ceremonies. You can keep your wedding.

6. This screen-cap: 

(Yes, that's my face right there. More on that when I publish my Halloween post!)

Moving on. This comment actually has some saving grace: the fact that the commenter was actually quite honest with his intentions and how he was faring in his campaign. My problem is this: WHY would someone want to lessen support for a group that faces discrimination, gender-based violence, and is essentially getting the short end of the stick? WHY? If the campaign is to lessen support for those crazy psychos in ISIS, then by all means, do it. But why waste precious time keyboard warrioring to diminish support for a minority which needs as much support as it can get? I think that's screwed up.

I end this blogpost with my usual advice to everyone who has the capacity to express themselves. Please, for the love of everything decent and good on earth, educate yourselves before saying something akin to the idiocies I have enumerated above. Instead of using time, bandwidth, and your smartphone's battery to bash and spread hate, use it to learn more about things you still don't understand. Speaking out of ignorance will not help the issues. And ignorance will never be an excuse for arseholiness. 

Limiting the Superheroine Potential: The Filipina, Rape, and Victim-Blaming

I had the pleasure of joining the Philippine Atheists and Agnostics Society (PATAS) last September 13 at IChill Theater for their monthly meet-up. I am not actually a member of the group (as I'm more of a deist), but since I am an outspoken advocate for rape prevention and survival and against victim blaming and a member of the Facebook page, I was invited by fellow women warrior and blogger, Doc Tess Termulo, to share my insights about this issue. This was right after I went crazy over someone's post about rape. The question accompanying a news story about a girl brutally raped and murdered?

"Sino ang may kasalanan? Yung babae o yung magulang?"

Translation: 

"Who is at fault? The woman (the victim) or the parents (of the victim)."

You can see why I went Carrie White and burned several people in the process of running amok in the FB page. The result was a 45-minute talk on rape.

I went to the IChill Theater after my teaching assistant stint for PRS' Civil Service Review, despite the rain, and despite being broke. My best friend (who should get a camera for events like this) Kris Alvarez went with me, because it's his bestfriendly duties to do so. 

The Maria Clara Effect

What is interesting is how the rape culture in the Philippines is so heavily intertwined with the culture of putting women on the pedestal. Women in the Philippines are expected to be demure, beautiful, conservative, and religious. To be honest, I have no problem with these kinds of women whatsoever. The problem happens when citizens of the Idiot Society believe that women fall outside this criteria of "desired values", then these women are not worth of respect. 

When I did a talk about Violence Against Women early this year, I showed two pictures. One was a woman dressed attractively but conservatively. The other was also an attractive woman, wearing a sexy spaghetti-strapped top which showed the top of her breasts. I asked the audience, a group of about 40 community women, "Sino ang mas ka-respe-respeto?" (Who is more respectful?). These women actually told me that the one showing her cleavage was less worthy of respect... before realizing what they said and taking it back.

Disrespecting women - punishing them - just because they do not fit society's ideals is the why rape victims are slut-shamed and blamed. 

Slut-shaming and victim-blaming are forms of punishments for women who do not conform with the standards of society. 

Theories of Rape

(WARNING: Nerd Mode. This is a summary of some of the theories of rape, found in the Harvard Law website)

To be perfectly blunt, victim-blamers are some of the least compassionate and least helpful concoction of cells I know. Honestly, did they even evolve? 

Truth is, some people say rapists and victim blamers do. There is actually a very strong support for the Biological Theory of rape. This theory states that rape has evolutionary roots. According to the Biological Theory, men rape in order to increase the chances of passing on their genes. Women have social and biological bases of turning down mates. A woman in a cultured, humane society can choose sexual partners based on her pre-set criteria. She may choose intelligent, financially-stable men over their less attractive counterparts. Men and women are also biologically-wired to find the most compatible mate. This means less sex for less desirable men. 

Unfortunately, this theory is being used by many some people to blame women who were raped. They believe that it is only natural for men to rape women, so women must not do anything to incite men's predatory nature. But then, as stated by the proponents of the this theory, "Natural isn't always good." At the end of the day, it's about what is good, not what is natural. 

In light of the nature versus nurture argument of why rape happens, another very interesting insight is the Commodification Theory of rape. This is quite applicable in the Philippines, as the country has a hypocritical culture when it comes to sex. In the commodification theory, it is stated that sex has become so commercialized. You can buy sex - in pornography and prostitution, for instance - and sex is used to sell products.

In the Philippines, many rabid conservatives equate the status of a woman's hymen to her worth. Others, however, equate sex to a marketing strategy. Yung totoo?

Proponents of the Commodification Theory proposed that since sex is looked at as a product, then the value of sex has been down-graded. Thus, stealing sex - aka rape - is seen by some people as wrong, but not as wrong as, say, stealing a Snickers bar from Mini Stop. Essentially, the  gravity of forcing oneself to someone else is lessened because sex has become something that one could have easily paid for. 

Ad experts: I'm selling beer so I need to plaster 
somebody's boobs with it! Genius! Photo not mine.

This theory also explores the connection of sexual assault and rape to alcohol. Physiological effects of alcohol actually includes lesser sexual stimulation, as alcohol is a depressant. However, one of its many effects is lowered inhibition. Studies further supported the Commodification Theory suggested the correlation of theft, rape, and alcohol. It was found that there is a significant correlation of alcohol with theft as well as rape. 

The Developmental Theory of rape focuses on the rapists. It suggests that rapists mostly came from harsh backgrounds wherein violence is a common occurrence. This may have an interesting correlation to the the Rape as a Gender-Based Hate Crime Theory which proposes that rape is done not for sexual gratification but simply fueled mysoginistic tendencies. If one analyzes these two theories, it may be that in a culture where women are treated as second-class citizens and are thus violated physically, emotionally, and financially, there can be the cultivation of rapists-to-be because the violence against women becomes ingrained in people's developmental milestones. 

Another popular theory is that rape is not about sex but about control. The Control Theory of rape. This is a very interesting theory, one which is especially applicable in our country, a land battered by major storms and disasters each year. Many Filipinos who have been victims of these disasters have been displaced from their homes. Lives and properties have been lost. Essentially, control is lost. People who have lost control of their lives may want to reclaim control by controlling someone else. This theory explains why sexual abuse, forced prostitution, and rape occur in the aftermath of humanitarian crises.

Victim Blaming - Limiting the Superheroine Potential

Rape victims suffer all kinds of physical, mental, social, and emotional trauma, and the path of victim to survivor is not easy. This is the primary reason why I believe rape survivors have the power of superheroes. This is true for both men, women, and children victims. Rape victims may suffer physical harm such as bruises, lacerations, and sexually-transmitted infection such as HIV/AIDS. They may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and selective amnesia (so yes, it is possible for the victim to forget that he/she was raped). Other mental problems such as eating disorder, hypersexualization, depression, and suicidal tendencies may also occur. To top it all off, victims of rape often treated do secondary victimization. This happens when they are treated by authorities and health professional in a callous manner, almost or directly implying that the attack is the victim's fault. Victims are further traumatised with questions that imply that the fault lies in their actions - their short skirts, their penchant for drinking and the night life, for being in a relationship with their attacker. With all of these aftereffects, one can see why it is so difficult to survive rape. 

In the United States, there are nurses who specialize in dealing with victims of sexual assault called Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANE). These forensic nurses are not only equipped to handle and preserve evidences of sexual abuse, but are also trained with proper communicative skills to ensure that victims are treated well. The Philippines has no such health professional. It is fortunate that The Magna Carta of Women provides for the increasing number of policewomen to handle sensitive cases of rape and sex crimes. A manifestation of such move is the Aling Pulis. It is something that those of us who advocate for rape survival and prevention are happy with, but this is not enough.

Mythbusting Rape 

Since my fellow the speaker, Sir Peter Flores, mythbusted some the historical stuff, I also talked about some of the common misconception about rape, although I'm sure most PATAS members know about this already. Here are some: 

1. The movie monster perspective of rapists. Many people perceive rapists as an unknown figure, shrouded in darkness - someone who would force himself or herself on an unsuspecting victim with brutal force. While this does happen, it is important to note that rapists can come in all shapes, sizes, and forms. Sometimes, the violators are known and loved by the victims - friends, lovers, family. 

2. The "puta" image of rape victims. Like rapists, victims also come in all shapes, sizes, and forms. Most people from the Idiot Society think that rape victims are victims because they are promiscuous and sexually expressive. This is not true. In fact, most rape victims in the Philippines last year are children. I don't think children can be "putatsing" in any way. Anyone can be raped - the young, the old, the rich and educated, the poor and ignorant, the religious or the atheist, the heterosexual, the transexual, the homosexual. Although some populations are more at risk, one must remember that rape does not discriminate - it's humans who do that.

3. Brutal force is a prerequisite to rape. This is one of the common idea when rape is talked about. Again, this does happen, but sometimes psychological coercion can be just as effective.  One of the people who confided in me was raped by her step-father when she was a teen. The metaphorical knife against the throat? The step-father threatened the girl that he will hurt and leave her mother.

A Cycle of Violence

In a special report done by GMA network, it was revealed that 5,493 cases of rape were reported in 2013. 4,234 of these cases are child victims. Like in all of the statistics I present, I want to emphasize that these numbers are REPORTED. Given the culture of silence in the Philippines, these numbers may be significantly higher.  This culture of silence is strengthened by victim's fear of being ostracized and called names. This is why victims would rather suffer than come out. This is why rapists continue to attack the vulnerable without little inhibitions. By being blaming and slut-shaming victims, members of the Idiot Society are contributing to the cycle of violence. 

In other words, victim-blamers: 

Related articles: 

• One of the officers of the Humanist Alliance of the Philippines, Inc. (HAPI), Ate Jing Dalagan , wrote about the event. Read her stuff here.
• Theories of Rape, Harvard Law
• 10 Ignorant (and Usually Annoying) Things to Say about Rape and Rape Victims
• Victim Blaming Rant: My Make-up and My Boobs are NOT Your Excuse!
• The Sotto Conservatism, the Idiot Society, etc
• More Than Micro-minis and Ef-me Heels

Author's Note: I would like to thank the following people for this lovely experience. Sharing my insight about something I am passionate about has always been and will always be a wonderful experience: My friend for being my "date" even if he didn't take any pictures of me; Doc Tess Termulo, Sir Ric Caliolio, and the fab Regie Pasion, and all the PATAS members for having me - truly you people are good without God; To Sir Peter Flores - thank you for the impromptu lecture! Sorry I missed your presentation; to Ate Jing Dalagan, for being my fellow woman warrior and for spreading the word about women's rights; and to all the superheroes and heroines who have inspired me to keep on fighting for rape prevention and survival. Tuloy ang laban, mga kapatid. 

When I was Younger, I Wanted to Die

If one would care to look – really look – at my left wrist, they may see a faint scar. It’s nothing immediately noticeable, just a faint discoloration. The scar tissue is lighter, and that is it.

This is not what I had planned to write, to tell you the truth. I had actually started writing about my talk about rape and victim-blaming, but here I am, deviating away from those subjects. This blog is partly confession, partly catharsis. I don't know if it will be inspirational, as this is simply topsy-turvy insight of an ex-suicidal girl, but i do wish people can find some sort of comfort here. 

You see, when I was younger and more stupid, I was one fucked-up girl. The stupidity and fuck-uppery of my life and my decisions were so bad, I almost lost my scholarship in a DOST-supported high school. I almost did not take the Nursing Licensure Exam (which I passed despite skipping review classes most of the time).

I won’t tell you why I got depressed the way I did. Needless to say, things just piled up, I had very flimsy support system, and I have a history of being used and abused by people who I loved and who I thought loved me in return. I was wrong on that aspect, obviously. What I will tell you is that this month has been the most challenging yet. I am broke (I have a penchant for letting people borrow money) and being broken (I also have a penchant for giving my heart to people who would do nothing but break it). October has, for a lack of better term, been a bitch, and will perhaps continue to do so until the Fates release me from torment.

I sometimes think of how it felt like to cut and sleep away everything that hurt me – from friends who I loved and who betrayed me, to my misfortunes – the fact that I am ugly, fat, unlovable, and broke. It’s tempting, isn’t it, so slip into the comforting cradle of self-destruction and let shit hit the fan.

Then I remember that I am awesome. Which is why, tangina, I can’t give up. 

I gave myself scars because I wanted to die, and I have them now, as a reminder that I have so much more to live for.

I am fat. I am ugly because my genes decided to give me skin asthma and not Katrina Domingo-esque Math skills  (Katrina is my math genius high school classmate; I still think she’s amazing after all these years). I may be a little (read: a lot) crazy. I may not be the kind of girl that guys would want to bring home to mom because I’m outspoken and, being the breadwinner, I don’t know how to cook fancy stuff and clean the house. I may have screwed up a lot. I may never be loved by the one person I’ve been deeply in love with. This October may be a huge slab of fuck-uppery and crying fits.

But I have other things going for me. I have the ability to be healthier and this time, I will do it not for anyone else’s approval. I can take care of myself more. I can study to be better at other things, to have a wider perspective and to appreciate life more. I have the magic of learning and literature and arts. One day, I may be loved by someone, not despite my outspoken and crazy attitude, but because of it. It may not be the person I want now (and it will probably never be him). And if this someone never comes, I have my family and my best friend. I have friends and I can try and make more (Flowie, don't worry, I am and will be ok). I have kindness and forgiveness as an essential traits. 

I have someone who is required to give me unconditional love for the rest of my life, and I plan on making sure that this person does what is required – myself.

So I will accept all of your blows, October. Even if I should cry every night and every day, I will accept all your blows. But know this: I will rise. No longer will I seek solace in artificial sleep or blood or self destruction.

I will rise.