A Series of (Open) Codswallop-y Letters

ONE

Dear Leaders and Politicians,

Hi! First of all, I'd like to congratulate you for winning that nation-wide popularity contest we call the Philippine elections. I'm pretty sure you're glad that the millions of pesos you spent on posters with photoshopped faces, TV ads in between telenovelas, and "witty" campaign jingles were not put to waste. And of course, the famous last names were helpful. VP Binay must be happy that his experiment of throwing Nancy Binay into the dirty, dirty world of politics yielded positive results. I can almost see the guy grinning in my head. 

Awesome. Great. Yeah - now the hard part. Oh, you didn't know that the election is just the start? That's bad for you then, because the number of years that you'll spend in power will be spent under the watchful eye of the still-educated, still-wise percentage of the Filipino people (although, given the results of the 2013 Circus/Popularity Game, I'm beginning to doubt if this is actually a significant percentage.)

Off to my message: I believe I already gave you my congratulations. I hope that as one of the people who pay for your salary that you'll allow me to advise you on some things that I deem to be important. Here are a few of them: 

1. The guy up there (not God, silly, are you even sure that the one you're worshiping has the biological determinant of being a guy?) said that we, the Filipino people - those who earn minimum wage, those who eat from garbage cans, go to public schools, sweat in overcrowded  and congested public vehicles, those who live on top of smelly rivers, in dumps, in "socialized housing" projects that are probably going to collapse in a few years -, are your bosses. So that means we can fire you. 

2. Being a leader means you must have the humility and the patience to be one with your members. Given that some members are stubborn and stupid and you are only human, and stupidity is very annoying - you are still a leader, trusted by the people to be more understanding and more capable of sacrificing in terms of education even the most idiot members of your group. Hindi po nakakababa ang pakikipag-usap sa miyembro. Wag kang ma-pride, at tandaan mo na sa miyembro ka parin maypananagutan. Elected representatives, I do hope you speak to the community which you represent before taking a stand on the issue. Your job is to represent YOUR PEOPLE, not anything else. 

3. One word, dears: delikadesa. Mahiya rin paminsan-minsan. You have been given the immense responsibility and the privilege of serving the Filipino people. It's a rare and terrible gift. Don't screw it up. Remember that if you do, apologizing would not be enough. Many may forget whatever stupidity you've committed while in power, but many will also remember.

That's all I can think of for now. I guess, for conclusions, all I can say is this: have fun, good luck, and we'll be watching so don't mess it up too badly. 

Sincerely

Janina Santos

Your Supervisor/Critic/Tax-Paying Citizen of the Republic of the Philippines

TWO 

Dear Ms. Aiai Delas Alas,

I'm usually not into showbiz. I mean, I rarely ever watch TV. My mom was watching this showbiz news show last Sunday though, and I saw you crying your eyes out for your shattered fairy tales.

I have three things to say to you: 

1. Do yourself a favor and ipa-VAW-C mo na yang gago mong soon-to-be ex;

2. It wasn't your fault. You only loved and wished to be loved in return. We do stupid things when we're in love, but at the end of the day, you are a victim;

3. If anybody says otherwise, flip 'em the middle finger. I'll join you. 

Best regards,

Janina Santos

Vagina Warrior/TV-Deprived Chick

THREE

Dear Ex-Students,

That teacher who's annoying and pushy and repetitive and infuriating and demanding, the one who would rather give you individual feedback that would probably make you melt in embarrassment than leaving you alone to wallow in your ignorance, is making extra effort to help you learn. He or she doesn't have too do that. He/She can deliver the lesson, then sit down and Facebook while you do hundreds of practice tests, drills, and activities. Then he/she can just give you an answer key so you'll check your own answers and leave you despite the fact that you still don't understand why the answer is "A" when ou're quite sure it's "onomatopoeia".  Basically, he or she still gets paid regardless of whether you pass the subject of not. 

Don't be a prat. Seriously. Since you do not exude Channel Number 5 from your very pores and you are probably far from being a guru of peace, unity, and love, listen to criticisms and learn from it. You might pick up a thing or two. 

If you understand this already, then do people a favor and spread the word. 

Oh, and here's a little something for you, by the way: http://scribblesontheclipboard.blogspot.com/

That's my English blog. I'll be posting stuff there once in a while. 

Best of luck,

Your Ex-T/New Drinking Buddy(?)/Possible Friend

FOUR

Photo from salon.com

Mr. Mike Jeffries

Chief Executive Officer

Abercrombie and Fitch

Dear Mr. Jeffries:

Good day. Although I am not a patron of your brand, I am writing this letter to inquire about a concept that your marketing strategy that I find confusing. 

If A&F is indeed only reserved for good-looking, attractive, and cool people as deemed by a social generalist and stereotypical man such as yourself, that you dislike these "uncool" individuals in your stores, does this mean you get beaten by a broom whenever you enter a store in an attempt to purchase an A&F sweatshirt?

Because, you see, by your socially general and stereotypical definition of who is good-looking, attractive, and cool, well, you're just not one of them.

Best regards,

Curvy and Voluptuous Lady Who's Probably an XL 

                                             FIVE

Dear Self,

Remember the beauty of life and love and don't lose sight of a present that is bittersweet and a future that is bright with possibilities. 

Love,

You